As per usual I shall indulge you with what is coming out in theaters. It's nearing the end of Summer, so you can guess that most of the movies coming out now are like the juice that comes off a garbage truck after making a hard right turn.
Vampires Suck - Another fantastic (Ed Note: bafflingly terrible) spoof on popular culture crap. I mean the Twilight series itself is awful. It's a movie about a boring girl with literally no life whatsoever who is trying to sleep with a dog and a corpse. Sounds like some kind of Japanese monster porn. Wait, why do I have an erection? Damn you Japan!
Piranha 3D - I want to see this pretty much because Kelly Brook is in it. She gets naked. In 3D. Plus there is lots of gore, Ving Rhames yelling at shit, and porn stars. If I was on the red carpet for this movie I'd probably rip my dick off if I saw Kelly Brook. That and I've been using the 'Shake Weight." Masturbating is now very dangerous now that they made a training barbell thing with it.
Nanny McPhee Returns - You mean she left?! NO!!! I honestly have no idea what this movie is about. It looks like Mary Poppins except she is difficult to look at and completly uninteresting. It reminds me of this one time I saw this ugly chick waiting for the bus. Who takes the bus? Where's my Ferrari at? BITTERMAN! MY CAR!
The Switch - More like switch it off! Get it? It's because Jennifer Aniston is annoying and I want to change the channel. And seriously, why the hell does she wear a scarf in pretty much every movie since 'Along Came Polly?' But what's most important is who cares.
Lottery Ticket - Black people win the lottery. Do you really even need to see it? Can you not just know what happens immediately? You know some old fat lady is gonna faint in it and say something along the lines of, "Oh loooord!" *Fart noise.
The Tillman Story - This is about that football player who went to Iraq for some reason. We all know how it ends so I see no reason to bother with it.
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