What's In Theaters This Weekend?

Here comes another weekend of movies you selfish little bastards. It's the beginning of October so that means we're getting in to horror movie territory. I don't watch horror movies all that much. It isn't that I don't like them, it's that my Mom won't let me watch them. I'M 25 MOM! I CAN WATCH WHATEVER I WANT! NO I WON'T GO TO BED! FINE!

The Social Network

Synopsis: A story about the founders of the social-networking website, Facebook.
Rated: PG-13
In Theaters: Oct 1, 2010 Wide
Directed By: David Fincher

CAST
Jesse Eisenberg
Justin Timberlake
Andrew Garfield

This movie is getting fantastic reviews. Of course the first bad review came from Armond White who generally hates every good movie that comes out, and browses dictionaries while writing his reviews to sound more intelligent.

I'm interested to see this movie. I like the cast, I like the director, I like the writer, and I like Trent Reznor doing the music. The simple fact of it all is that it's a movie based on Facebook. It looks very interesting... but it's based on Facebook. I just can't see how it can get such good reviews. I heard it's really loosely based on the true story of how it began, but still, with all the creative storytelling...it's based on Facebook. The true story would be some Jewish kid with a fro sitting alone in his dorm starting a new website because all the other Hot or Not sites said he was ugly. But now he's worth 7 billion. I wish I was Jewish.

Let Me In

Synopsis: A bullied young boy befriends a young female vampire who lives in secrecy with her guardian.
Rated: R
In Theaters: Oct 1, 2010 Wide
Directed By: Matt Reeves
Written By: Matt Reeves

CAST
Chloe Moretz
Kodi Smit-McPhee
Richard Jenkins
Elias Koteas

This movie looks honestly pretty badass. It has the girl from 'Kickass' and the kid from 'The Road.' I've seen the original 'Let the Right One In,' and it was fantastic. Gruesome killing, good story, good writing, and haunting visuals. Everything I have seen in the trailer for this movie seems to of been taken from the original film and made it look better. But who knows, this is just another example of having to remake movies in America because no one has any fucking ideas anymore. I could careless about the new 'Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' movies because I saw the 3 that were already made.

"Oh, but I don't like subtitles!" - Bafflingly overweight woman eating mayo from the bin.

And that is why heart disease should be on our flag.

Is It Just Me?


Synopsis: "Is It Just Me" is a new gay romantic comedy. Blaine is a typical young gay man looking for love...without much success. Enter "Xander," the man of his dreams. After meeting in an online chat room, they quickly fall for each other and start a virtual relationship. Before long, they decide to meet face-to-face for a coffee date. But in Blaine's world, nothing comes easy. He discovers he's been chatting with his new online boyfriend under his roommate Cameron's profile. The problem is, Cameron is a sexy go-go dancer - and that's the guy Xander is expecting to see. Blaine persuades his roommate to pose as him during the date until he can win over Xander with his whit and charm. It's Blaine's brain versus Cameron's brawn as love blossoms within this threesome.

Yeah, to be honest, I looked at the poster, and I saw "New gay" and I basically have checked out at this point. Do I have problems with the gays? No. Hell, straight people piss me off more often than the gays. When I have a gay come over, he cleans my house just to be nice, and he always brings over wine. I don't even really like wine but this stuff is pretty good. Meanwhile, straight friends bring over forties and leave them on my coffee table while falling asleep in their boxers on my couch spooning my couch pillows. Wait, where was I?

Hatchet 2


Synopsis: Adam Green's Hatchet II picks up at the exact moment where 2006's Hatchet ends, wherein the quiet but hot-tempered Marybeth (Danielle Harris) is in a small boat in the Louisiana swamps, screaming for her life as she tries to free herself from the clutches of the deformed, swamp-dwelling killer Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder). Crowley has murdered Marybeth's family and other fellow vacationers who had come together on a tourist excursion in the swamp lands outside of New Orleans.

Rated: Unrated
In Theaters: Oct 1, 2010 Limited
Directed By: Adam Green

CAST
Kane Hodder
Danielle Harris
Tony Todd

I don't think there is a place in America where someone won't create a film where a deformed creature comes from the darkness to kill people. Whether it be a swamp, or the hills, or the woods, or Ikea, people will be getting killed anywhere. First, they'll split up, then someone has to go to the bathroom, then he dies, then the person who goes looking for that person dies, and then I go and get a refund and punch my friend for telling me to come see this movie. Seriously Dave? Best horror movie you ever saw. I'll show you a horror movie! No no, it's called 'The Shining.' What do you mean you don't like "old" movies? You can walk home.

What's In Theaters This Weekend?

As per usual I shall indulge you with what is coming out in theaters. It's nearing the end of Summer, so you can guess that most of the movies coming out now are like the juice that comes off a garbage truck after making a hard right turn.

Vampires Suck - Another fantastic (Ed Note: bafflingly terrible) spoof on popular culture crap. I mean the Twilight series itself is awful. It's a movie about a boring girl with literally no life whatsoever who is trying to sleep with a dog and a corpse. Sounds like some kind of Japanese monster porn. Wait, why do I have an erection? Damn you Japan!

Piranha 3D - I want to see this pretty much because Kelly Brook is in it. She gets naked. In 3D. Plus there is lots of gore, Ving Rhames yelling at shit, and porn stars. If I was on the red carpet for this movie I'd probably rip my dick off if I saw Kelly Brook. That and I've been using the 'Shake Weight." Masturbating is now very dangerous now that they made a training barbell thing with it.

Nanny McPhee Returns - You mean she left?! NO!!! I honestly have no idea what this movie is about. It looks like Mary Poppins except she is difficult to look at and completly uninteresting. It reminds me of this one time I saw this ugly chick waiting for the bus. Who takes the bus? Where's my Ferrari at? BITTERMAN! MY CAR!

The Switch - More like switch it off! Get it? It's because Jennifer Aniston is annoying and I want to change the channel. And seriously, why the hell does she wear a scarf in pretty much every movie since 'Along Came Polly?' But what's most important is who cares.

Lottery Ticket - Black people win the lottery. Do you really even need to see it? Can you not just know what happens immediately? You know some old fat lady is gonna faint in it and say something along the lines of, "Oh loooord!" *Fart noise.

The Tillman Story - This is about that football player who went to Iraq for some reason. We all know how it ends so I see no reason to bother with it.

James Cameron Talks About Blue Kitty Cats With Dreadlocks Sequel

When I first saw Avatar I was over come by it, sure. I knew that it was a complete rip off of other movies but the 3D was amazing and it brought you in to the film and you cared about the characters. I almost even got a boner looking at that huge blue chick. Almost. I even saw it twice with a buddy who had to work the first time we went and saw it.

Then, I tried to watch it at home. Not the same thing. It was like going from riding on a roller coaster to watching other people watch a roller coaster. It just didn't have the same effect on me. But anyway, here is James "King of the World" Cameron talking about the sequel:

On squeezing more money out of the public with a re-release:

"This rerelease is a limited special edition. It’s just an experience you can have with your family at the end of the summer. The last hurrah in theaters. People can watch the original release — it still exists indefinitely on DVD and Blu-ray — or they can watch this new one. We’re going to do an even longer version that will exist only on DVD. There are people who felt that they could have spent more time in Pandora. So we’re giving them that."

On where Avatar 2 is at right now:

"We’re in the early days right now. I’ve got tons of notes. The way I work is I write hundreds of pages of notes. It’s like writing a novel, except I don’t worry too much about the narrative. It’s all about the technology, the culture, the psychology, the character development. I’ve got to create the stage for the story to play out on, and then later I’ll connect the dots and figure out how the story works. I’ve always had a story arc in mind for the sequel, but then I took a trip to South America after Avatar came out and that has altered the story line somewhat."

My favorite snippet out of this one is, "I don’t worry too much about the narrative." That is like a cook not worrying about the ingredients. That's like a blow job with out a chicks mouth. That's like, well, you get my point.

Am I excited about another Avatar movie? Not really. It's a been there and done that situation. This movie is the reason why there is all this bullshit 3D crap out there now. Clash of the Titans looked awful. Don't even get me started on The Last Airbender. If I start seeing romantic comedies in 3D i'll probably kill myself. No, wait, scratch that. If I begin watching romantic comedies at all I will kill myself. I'm a man you see. *Changes oil on car

George Lucas Called Out For Ruining Star Wars, Fat

George "Fatbeard" Lucas is being called out by his former Producer for basically shitting the bed on the Return of The Jedi. If anyone has seen the ending you know what he is being called out for. I didn't expect a buncha badasses to be partying with teddy bears either but that's what happened.

“We had an outline [for RotJ] and George changed everything in it," Kurtz said. “Instead of bittersweet and poignant he wanted a euphoric ending with everybody happy. The original idea was that they would recover [the kidnapped] Han Solo in the early part of the story and that he would then die in the middle part of the film in a raid on an Imperial base. George then decided he didn’t want any of the principals killed. By that time there were really big toy sales and that was a reason.”
The discussed ending of the film that Kurtz favored presented the rebel forces in tatters, Leia grappling with her new duties as queen and Luke walking off alone “like Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti westerns,” as Kurtz put it.

Kurtz said that ending would have been a more emotionally nuanced finale to an epic adventure than the forest celebration of the Ewoks that essentially ended the trilogy with a teddy bear luau.

Kurtz ideas were great, he even came up with the "Empire Strikes Back" title for the second film. I think we can all agree that it was better than Lucas' idea of "Are You Gonna Eat That?" title.

Looking at the original ideas of Star Wars before more creative people came in to help out makes me wonder what the original Star Wars would have looked like. I'm guessing something like the prequels. Holy shit, have you seen those? If I wanted to see ships taking off and landing id pull a lawn chair up to an airport runway. No, wait, that would probably be fun.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Film Flop

So that movie based on that one comic book kinda bit it at the box office this past weekend. It made 10.5 million dollars and placed 5th. It honestly looks pretty good. I read the comic which was pretty damn long and predictable but still enjoyable.

The important thing is it will probably gain cult status and you can bring it to your friends taking credit for introducing it to them. I did that with Donnie Darko and still feel awesome about that. My family has a long line of taking credit for things we probably shouldn't take credit for. My Dad claims he invented the double cheeseburger and came up with the word "fuckstick." I'm going to believe him on this one, the man knows his way around a cheeseburger.

But anyway, the reviews are pretty solid for a movie about a jobless kid who dates so chick with weird hair and has to beat up her ex's for some reason. The boss he has to beat up is Jason Schwartzman. When it comes to final bosses, that is probably the least intimidating bad guy I could think of fighting. Well, maybe if Stephen Hawking rolled up and instigated a fight, but you never know, he probably has brain powers or something.

Weekend Films Rundown

Box Office

The Expendables: What happens when a man in his Mid 60's gets a bunch of old action heroes in a movie pumped with HGH? You get this movie. I don't even know what it's about. But I bet someone will be saying various quips about how they're "too old for
this shit."

Eat Pray Love: Julie Roberts goes on vacation for a year. Must be nice. I can't even find a suitable tropical wallpaper for my laptop, and this huge mouthed freak gets to run around the world scaring poor people.

The Other Guys: I liked this movie, but I just can't get over Marky Mark. When ever he talks I just think of his having a conversation with a plastic plant in 'The Happening.' I was even going to photoshop a picture of Marky Mark from Calvin Klein ad and a ripped dog too, but after seeing all the pictures I started questioning my sexuality and hit the big X on the browser and started watching porn with a purpose.

Inception: What else can you say about this movie. It's Inception. Though one of my favorite moments of the movie actually happened before it. A trailer was shown of this movie called 'Devil.' Everyone seemed interested until "From the Mind of M. Night Shymalan" showed up. The crowd just started to laugh and boo. Did I spell his name right? Oh wait who cares. The next red carpet event for his movie will be at a Blockbuster.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World: I read the comic. I'll see the movie eventually. I don't really want to watch Michael Cera and his one note facial expressions on the big screen for 2 hours. We get it, you're awkward, move on, we're done here.

Box Office Estimates:

1. The Expendables $35M
2. Eat Pray Love $23.7M
3. The Other Guys $18M
4. Inception $11.5M
5. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World $10.5M

What's on tonight?

It's Sunday, so that means there will be television shows on before all of you unemployed people look forward to a Monday that has zero meaning.

True Blood - I have to say that last weeks episode ended pretty nice, and by that I mean there was a whole lot of plowing, but my Mom turned the TV off and said I was too young. Come on Mom!!?

The Gates - I have never seen this show, and if I haven't seen it then it's meaningless to me and should be to you as well.

Hung - I like this show, but don't remember to watch it regularly. Hot chicks get naked in it, but the dudes girl pimp is just difficult to look at for long periods of time. Get it? Long? It's a penis joke!

Scoundrels - Damn, that is the hot blonde from Sideways? What the hell happened to her face. There's aging gracefully, but she aged aggressively.

Mad Men - Tonights episode will include middle aged men drinking and smoking all the time while treating women like objects with huge racks. Me likey.

Entourage - Will Vince do the movie? Guys I think he will do the movie. Guys, he can't do the movie. Movies back on guys. Dude, Vince can't do the movie. You're gonna be bigger than ever baby bro. Shush!

Drop Dead Diva - It's basically a show about a big fat lawyer being a big fat lawyer. She is probably a good cook though.

Rubicon - This is one of those shows where you have to have a lot of patience with. Kind of like masturbating when you're really drunk. Just stick with it and you'll eventually get a pay off.

Big Brother - Apparently this show is still on, who knew? The only thing remotely good about this reality abortion is that someone made a badass zombie series in which zombies invade the set and eat the cast. It had a great social commentary to it. It was implied the we should kill, dismember, and eat reality stars. I bet Hannah Montana tastes like jail time.